Bam! Pow!

No Hope for Our Youth
The Penguin Menace Rears Its Ugly Head Once More, by Chester Manly


Tomorrow morning, hundreds of Midwest City’s brightest and most malleable minds will wake up and be devastated by what they hear. The Mall of the Midwest is closed.

This haven for our youth was shut down by one of the most flagrant acts of vandalism our city has ever seen. Less than a day after our city entrusted the small group of supers – I hesitate to call them heroes – with the key to our city along with a large sum of money, they return the favor by desecrating one of the most important tool we parents have to keep our kids off the streets, out of gangs, and off of drugs: shopping.

On top of that, these supers caused damage valued at three times the amount of money the city gave them. From what the authorities have been able to deduce, it appears as if the vandals rappelled into the mall through the skylight and left a senseless trail of devastation as they fled from the scene. Due to the randomness of the destruction caused by the “Rampaging” Penguins the authorities have been unable to ascertain any specific motive. The vandals uprooted and de-potted most of the vegetation in the main concourse, broke numerous store windows, and tore out piping and wiring and demolished tables and chairs in the food court.

While the police are still scratching their heads about reasons and motives, I believe the message is pretty clear. These criminals – and make no mistake, they are criminals – think that just because they have powers they are entitled to act like hooligans, taking what they want and throwing tantrums when they get angry. I believe fully the Charging Penguins, who were last seen heading for our power plant, are the greatest menace facing our fine city and I implore anyone and everyone to come forward and stand up to them.


Thanks to 1tu3fore for making this available.


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Charging Penguins Slip
From the Midwest City Gazette, editorial by Chester Manly


Up and coming “super squad” The Charging Penguins were served their first taste of real adversity yesterday. If I had to grade them, I would give them an F+. To everyone out there who doubts that I’ve received a proper education, let me just state that I’m aware there is no such thing as an F+, but I have my reasons.

It wasn’t so much that the Penguins failed, as that they failed so spectacularly that I had no choice. They failed with such style that this reporter is made to wonder if they are really “heroes” at all. For example, we have it on national television that within the first 10 seconds of any sign of danger, one of the group, “G.I.” disappeared into thin air. Some have said he was a coward, but where they see coward I see conspiracy. My thoughts are further proven by the fact that when “Magic Man,” among whose powers just happens to be the ability to open highly secure areas (such as the Deimos Center where these villains were being held until today), fights with Behemoth, he was obviously holding back for the whole performance.

This boy wonder seemed to be merely dancing with the giant until the mayor was taken and then suddenly wham! One hit K.O. on a forty foot monster. Now if he had that ability the whole time, shouldn’t he have used it to maybe, hmm, save the mayor? That is, unless he was in cahoots with the kidnappers in the first place! He put on a good show for the cameras and gets a pat on the back when he proclaims that he tried so hard.

The last member of this group of “heroes,” Char, practically admits that this whole ordeal was planned. He was seen leaving with the super-powered hippies, and was recorded controlling both the Spider Queen’s spiders and La Tigra Blanca’s tiger.

Mind you, this whole thing happened mere moments after the Charging Penguins received a huge sum of money from the mayor to help finance their new lair. Then the mayor just happens to be kidnapped and the villains demand a ransom so low, it makes you wonder if this was all just for show.

Let’s think about this for a second: our city is “protected” by someone who can shape-shift to look like anyone you know, someone who can turn completely invisible, and someone who can open any lock and take down giants in a single hit. In an age where heroes and villains are coming out of the woodwork, I submit that we should be more careful about to whom we give the key to the city.


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